Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
