her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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