eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
