nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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