I'm gonna have a badass scar
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
