Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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