i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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