I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
