Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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