I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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