My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
