I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
