So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
