My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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