Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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