Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
