so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
