so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
