Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
