just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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