Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
