Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
