I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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