sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
