just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Fuck appropriateness.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
