Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize