Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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