It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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