Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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