The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize