I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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