My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize