a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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