Kareoke will never be a sober sport
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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