just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
