God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
