it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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