Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
wanna go halves on a baby?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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