Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
