it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
