I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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