You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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