it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
