He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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