I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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