Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
