If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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