I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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