Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
