Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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