Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
