You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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