I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize