i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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