super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
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