I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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