I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
