Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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