When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
