Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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